


how you wish it would be all the time

by fullmoonyelena



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Childhood Friends to Lovers, F/F, Friends to Lovers, HS AU, Happy Ending, Lesbian Romance, Shoni - Freeform, The Wilds, hnits partly inspired this, one chapter full story, the wilds if it was lady bird+booksmart+some other movie that makes me cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:54:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29907621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmoonyelena/pseuds/fullmoonyelena
Summary: Remember those class pizza parties you used to have to pay to go to? That's how Toni Shalifoe and Shelby Goodkind met and became best friends. Now they're seniors in high school, just starting to realize that they're in love.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind & Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 4
Kudos: 45





	how you wish it would be all the time

Young men in red and green hats with “Ray’s Pizza” embroidered on them struggle to make their way through the hordes of kids gathered around them excitedly to the table Mrs. Waverly has set up for food. It’s December, and Mrs. Waverly has put out a blue paper tablecloth covered with snowflakes. Trays of brownies and jugs of juice are already on the table, placed there this morning by a concerned parent. The kids have been fidgeting in their seats, casting giddy smiles and side looks towards it all day. But the pizza is here now and the party is about to start.

Mrs. Waverly stands in the doorway of her classroom, barring Toni’s entrance but so subtly she could act like she’s not. “I’m sorry, Toni,” she says, glancing behind her at Toni’s classmates. Every last one of them is happily awaiting the beginning of the party. Only Toni stands out in the hallway, fighting for her place in the classroom, eyebrows pulled together and cheeks red, the picture of defiance. “It’s just we needed your five dollars by last Thursday. I already gave you an extra week but I’m sorry, it’s not fair to the other children.”

Toni has two dollars. She found one poking out of a snowbank, turned gray and ugly by the plow. She found the other under the hall table in her “parent’s” house- Mr. and Mrs. St. John, her third foster family in the past two months. She presented the money to Mrs. Waverly proudly and a little desperately, but her teacher doesn’t even care.

“I’m sorry,” Mrs. Waverly murmurs. She looks behind her again, and Toni suddenly realizes that any of her classmates could glance over here and see what’s going on. She feels the defeat creeping in, accompanied by the terrible feeling of having to give up even though she wasn’t ready. “Toni, please go to the library. There’s some amazing books there you might like. Or even the computer! You can look up anything you want. It’s a very special machine!” She beams down at Toni. “Tell Ms. Jaha you’re here from my class when you get there.” She’s still giving Toni that bright smile when she shuts the door in her face.

The feeling of the door closing and the painfully loud noise as the door locks automatically is familiar. It’s the same feeling as when the foster family before the St. Johns took her to the beach, assuming she could swim, and she wandered until the water was up to her shoulders and was completely unprepared for the wave that surged towards shore, smacking her in the face and dragging her underwater, having its way with her, until she was gagging and screaming when she washed up. Soul crushing defeat, and the knowledge that whatever was going on was out of her control.

Toni trudges down the hall towards the library. Anger overtakes her as she passes the science classroom and she rips a poster about photosynthesis- whatever that means Toni can’t even name all the kinds of animals even though all the kids had been taught that stupid acronym- off the wall. She feels in control a little. But then she notices that the poster cut her, leaving a tiny slash the ruby color of blood behind. Then she feels stupid all over again. She hangs the poster up and continues walking, aimlessly dragging her fingers along the wall. 

The library doors are huge and made of glass. Toni throws her whole body against them until they open.

The librarian desk looms before her. Toni approaches it, the bang as the doors shut behind her cementing the truth- she doesn’t get to go to the pizza party that the whole class had been looking forward to for a month. All because she didn’t have three more measly dollars or a teacher who wasn’t stupid or a foster family that wanted to help her. 

When she tells Ms. Jaha, the nice librarian who Toni hates because she only ever sees her when she didn’t have the money for a field trip or cookie from the cafeteria or her homework, that she had been sent by Mrs. Waverly, the librarian gives her the same look she always does. Toni doesn’t understand the look now but she will soon. It’s pity. 

Mrs. Jaha says, “Here Toni, this is a book about space. I think you might really like it.” And she points Toni towards The Table. 

The same table Toni always sits at by herself, reading or thinking. It’s an old wooden table, round, with four chairs, one for each of the friends Toni doesn’t have. The high schoolers have drawn on the table and etched patterns into the wood. Toni doesn’t understand most of the language they use but tracing the designs with her fingers and trying to figure them out is usually more interesting than Mrs. Jaha’s books. Although this book looks good- it’s heavy, with an inky purple cover, and the pictures of stars on the front are really pretty.

Toni is eight years old. Eight years old and already so angry and alone, carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. Eight years old and she already knows the hard truths, about how the world doesn’t care about you and no one is going to protect you except yourself. So Toni combs her own hair and cooks her own oatmeal for breakfast. She knows how to read a bus map so she can get to school no matter what place she’s dropped in. She knows to always sit at the back of the classroom, wear roughly the same hairstyle and outfit, and never stand out. She knows to never let her mother’s jacket out of her sight, because who knows if she’ll ever see it again, and to never let herself do the bad things that got her mother taken away from her. 

She sometimes wishes she had lots of friends and could stand out, maybe she’d play basketball or start bringing baked goods to the class parties- everyone likes the people who do that. But for now she can’t. 

Toni has resigned herself to a normal life, just trying to get by, even though she’s only eight and most kids her age still want to be astronauts or princesses. Just another thing that makes her feel lonely and far away from them. But nothing is normal about today, because when Toni goes to take her normal seat at The Table, someone else is sitting there for the first time ever.

***

Shelby is still crying when her father’s car pulls into the dropoff line outside of school. She feels gross with her nose all stuffy and eyes all wet and red, but the box of tissues rests in the passenger seat, and her father is ignoring her so she just stays still, vowing to not make him madder. 

“Okay Shelby, here we are,” he says, drumming his fingers in the steering wheel casually. Shelby wonders, and not for the first time, if he doesn’t even care about her.

She whimpers. “Daddy, please let me go to the party. Everyone else gets to. It’s not fair-”

He slams his hand down on the wheel and she jumps and starts crying harder. “Stop making it all about what you want and never use the word fair under my roof! Life is unfair! It’s a stupid pizza party, you think you get pizza parties in the real world? You don’t. And this is a punishment, Shelby. I’m sure you remember what you said that prompted this?”

Shelby doesn’t understand all his words or what the “real world” means. Everything is the real world. The pressure Shelby feels all the time proves that- if this isn’t the real world why is she trying so hard to look beautiful at pageants and get all 100s on her spelling tests and go to church?

“Tell me what you said that prompted this. If you don’t understand you’ll never change.” her father orders.

Shelby wipes her eyes with her fist. “I said I didn’t want to be in the spring pageant,” she says haltingly. 

“Exactly,” Her father hits the steering wheel again and Shelby doesn’t know why. “What would people think if you didn’t? They’d think we were crazy to let you throw away your talent. They’d think we were turning our backs on God.”

“I’m sorry.” Shelby whispers. She lowers her head and tears drip onto her booster seat, darkening the pink cloth.

She can’t believe she said one thing and now she has to miss the pizza party. Her mom made cookies, cookies that her father left at home to be picked away at by the Goodkind family instead of riding to school in their place of honor, the seat next to Shelby. Mrs. Katz was ordering six pizzas so everyone got multiple slices. The kids got to go from class to class, trading food with Mrs. Waverly’s class party. Shelby has been excited for over a month. 

It’s like walking on eggshells with you Dave, Shelby had once heard her mother sigh after her parents had a fight. Shelby has no idea what that means. Why would you walk on eggshells? But she’s started thinking it to herself whenever things get really rough with her dad. Like today.

“All punishments teach us something,” he says in his lecture voice. “The Bible teaches us that the punishment must match the sin. I hope this not letting you go to this party teaches you something. The prep for the pageant doesn’t start for another two months and I hope you feel differently about it then.” He tosses the box of tissues back at Shelby and she catches them but not before the cardboard corner nicks her chin. She touches the spot and says a silent prayer that it didn’t leave a mark. It’s embarrassing enough that she has to walk into school looking like she’s been crying.

Her father pulls up outside the school. Shelby unbuckles, grabs her backpack, and opens the door without saying goodbye, but then she gets worried that she’s making everything worse so she calls out to him. He says he loves her as he veers out of the parking lot and that only makes her more confused.

The dropoff monitor smiles and greets her by name as she waves Shelby into the building. Shelby walks to Mrs. Katz’s class, neatly places her backpack in her cubby, and sits at her desk. Piles of food sit on the teacher’s desk, drawing the eye of every kid in the room. Shelby sits at her desk, hands folded in her lap, until Mrs. Katz enters the room and starts class.

She asks for student volunteers to help with the party and Shelby raises her hand like the good student she is. She arranges cupcake towers and trays of brownies, rice krispie treats, and sprinkle cookies. She makes a pyramid out of the disposable cups, fans out paper napkins, and opens bottles of soda, all the while aware that a different child might pocket some food before the party begins, not breaking any rules technically, but she’s too scared. She was raised by the church, by Dave and Jobeth Goodkind who prioritize honesty and righteousness. She never talks back. She never does anything wrong. 

She finishes setting up and takes her seat, and while the rest of the students bounce in their seats she tries not to look at the table. When the pizza delivery people arrive, Mrs. Katz walks over to Shelby and squats next to her desk. “I heard about your special circumstances today,” she says softly. “Your father emailed me. So why don’t you head on down to the library and hang out until this class ends, yeah? And don’t worry, they’ll be other parties.” She pats Shelby’s arm and hands her a pass with Shelby’s name and destination hastily scrawled on it. “I’ll refund your five dollars as soon as I can, tell your dad thanks for being patient.” 

All around Shelby, hungry mouths are devouring delicious looking cheese pizza and baked goods. They guzzle soda and juice, then crumple the paper cups and throw them at each other. Shelby handles her punishment with grace, holding her head high as she leaves the room and lets the door click shut behind her. 

In the library, a woman she’s never seen before greets her. Maybe she only handles troublemakers, Shelby thinks to herself. And she has never been in trouble. The woman introduces herself as Mrs. Jaha and she recommends a book about dinosaurs. Shelby isn’t interested at all, but she smiles gratefully and takes a seat at the table the woman points to. 

“Have a nice read!” Mrs. Jaha says. “You’ll be back in Mrs. Katz’s room in no time, but when you’re here relax and have fun.”

Shelby reads a little, but the book doesn’t hold her attention. Her brain feels stuffed with the events of the morning. She’s only eight but she’s worried her family doesn’t like her anymore. It makes her heart hurt. Shelby looks around at the library instead, at the kids skipping class to hang out between stacks, kids sitting on beanbag chairs and talking about books with serious looks on their face, at Mrs. Jaha greeting person after person in the same friendly way she greeted Shelby.

She’s determined to just wait out her punishment, but then a girl hurls herself into the seat across from Shelby. She regards Shelby, staring at her openly and not even trying to hide it, which Shelby thinks is rude. She says, “You’re in my seat.”

“What?” Shelby asks, startled. She doesn’t want to do anything rude like steal someone else’s seat. 

The girl relaxes in her seat like it’s one of those reclining movie theater seats and not a bony, uncomfortable, wooden one. Her braid swings as she cocks her head to look at Shelby and she wears a huge jacket like it’s a queen’s cape. “Nah. Kidding. I just think it’s my seat because I sit there every time I’m here.”

“Are you here a lot?” 

The girl snorts and Shelby feels like she should change the subject. Her mother always taught her that if a person doesn’t answer a question they’re probably sensitive to something about the question, and it’s respectful to move on. “I’m Shelby,” she tells the girl.

“I’m Toni.” 

“Do you like space?” Shelby asks, looking at the book that Toni is resting her elbow on. “My dad has a telescope at our house but I don’t know anything about it. What are some cool facts?”

“Oh, I don’t know any,” Toni says, looking down at the book. “Mrs. Jaha gave me this.”

“Can we read it together then? It’s more interesting than dinosaurs.” Shelby flashes the cover of her own book and Toni bites into a smile. She slides her chair around to Shelby’s side of the table and the girls read, hunched over the book, their fingers brushing each other as they try to turn the same page, giggling when their heads bump.

They immediately become fast friends. You’d be hard pressed to find a single recess where Toni and Shelby don’t walk the perimeter of the playground, talking and laughing. They’re the friends that seem to have their own language, the friends that only need each other. 

Toni knows that when she’s having issues with her foster family she can come by the Goodkind house, and Shelby always seems to know when Toni is near. Toni starts behaving with her foster family- she doesn’t want them to get mad and send her away, away from Shelby.

And Shelby knows that when things get overwhelming with her dad she can come by and meet Toni at the playground down the street. Toni doesn’t have a bedtime and she’s always there for Shelby. After a while, Shelby refuses to cry in front of anyone but Toni, since Toni is the only one who doesn’t judge.

Life sucks sometimes. Well, a lot of the time. But they have each other. They have a standing pizza date every Friday night at Ray’s, where they relax after a long week and throw pepperoni at each other. They go to the mall and try on evening gowns and high heels with spikes or feathers; they dare each other to go to the Chinese buffet and get food in their outrageous outfits. And then there’s all the normal days, where they lay on Shelby’s carpet or the roof of Toni’s foster father’s truck and talk about their dreams and the future. They come to love the stars: Shelby sticks glow-in-the-dark ones from a local toy store on her ceiling so they can see them at her house and at Toni’s house they often sleep outside so they can see the real thing. They each claim constellations, and when Shelby has a pageant or Toni has a big test they make a wish on each other’s constellations the night before. They grow up together, and nosey neighbors and classmates snidely say, opposites attract or refuse to believe they’re as close as they once were, but they are. They dare the universe to tear them apart, they drive to huge, empty cornfields and scream all their frustrations at the sky. Do it, they tell the universe. We’ve been through hell. We can take whatever you throw at us.

///

“Eighty-fucking-two!” Toni crows, thrusting her hand and the paper crumpled in it into the air.

Shelby whirls around from her car, where she’s been rifling through the glovebox, and exclaims, “Is that the Calc test?”

“Fuck yeah it is!” Toni says, and Shelby throws her arms around her, picks her up, and spins her around.

“And it’s Friday, you know what that means!” Shelby whoops. “Extra pineapple on your pizza tonight!” 

Toni mock vomits after Shelby sets her down. “How can you eat that Shelbs? It’s like putting candy on pizza. Wet...disgusting... candy.”

“When you go to college you’ll miss me forcing you to eat it.” Shelby sticks her tongue out at Toni. “You’ve got nine months left of pineapple deliciousness.”

Toni shoves her lightly. “Don’t even. Now is so not the time. No, it’s time for celebrating because I got an eighty-two on the test Mr. Reimer said was the hardest one all year!” They hug again, and do a little victory dance in the parking lot.

Shelby drives Toni home and drops her at the mouth of her driveway. “I’ll see you at 5:00, right?” Shelby asks, craning her neck to look at Toni as she pulls her backpack and basketball bag out of Shelby’s trunk. “Yep!” Toni confirms. She waves as Shelby drives away, bags slung over both shoulders. 

Toni puts away her stuff immediately. It’s unlike her, and she’s a slob in most respects, but her room is tiny and it’s easier to put away everything than to step over all her school stuff every time she enters the room. 

Shelby parks her car, calls hello to her mother, and does all of her homework as quickly as possible. She’s a homework machine, whipping through it with brutal efficiency. If she gets it all done tonight, she won’t be stressed tomorrow. She and Toni are planning to go to Braydon Haverston’s party, and the last thing she wants at the first party of the year is a pound of homework weighing on her. 

It’s the September of their senior year. Summer had been a mess. Shelby volunteered as a lifeguard two days a week, and slipped Toni free pool passes so she could sit below Shelby’s chair, eat Klondike bars, and keep Shelby from going out of her mind with boredom. Then it was onto an internship in Austin, working with disadvantaged kids during the day and exploring the city at night, enjoying her first ever taste of a city and time away from her parents but missing Toni terribly. For Toni, it was college touring as far away as Minnesota, where she was from, driving her father’s old truck all across by country by herself- whatever it took to get to college, something she had not been raised to care about. They’d come back together the last two weeks of August and spent the days moments away from slipping into a heat coma as they lay on beach towels on Shelby’s lawn, eating watermelon and lazily reapplying sunscreen to each other’s backs every hour or so.

Now it was September, and though nothing had changed between them there was the unspoken knowledge that it was coming to an end whether they wanted it to or not. And there was something else too, something neither had mentioned or could describe. It was like the air between them crackled with energy and all their sentences were heavy.

It was the last week of the month. Their classmates had shown incredible restraint by waiting this long to have a party, and all the energy that came with the first month of senior year was about to explode in the form of a Braydon party, hosted in the backyard of his truly insane mcmansion. Shelby and Toni had no need for parties and both had college ambitions that would be smashed to dust if they got into trouble. But they’d decided to go, keenly aware that they could count the number of parties they had left in high school on one hand.

Toni is already waiting for Shelby at their usual booth when Shelby pulls up outside of Ray’s and walks through the door, which is shaped like a pizza oven. It’s not the best pizza in town, but it’s quiet and there aren’t ever many other classmates and it’s their spot. They don’t remember the day Friday nights at Ray’s became a tradition but they’d die before they broke it willingly, so they keep coming.

Shelby slides into her seat, the side of the booth that faces the kitchen. A waiter greets them almost as soon as she sits, and they order one pizza, half pineapple and half pepperoni. 

“You want to complain about my pizza when you like pepperoni? At least my choice isn’t on an FDA watchlist,” Shelby says, wrinkling her nose, like she does every week. And like every week, Toni throws her head back and laughs as though the joke is the most original thing in the world, and she gets to work assembling a sculpture out of the salt, pepper, and parmesan shakers and copious amounts of paper napkins.

When the pizza arrives they both grab slices and bite into them even though they’re so hot that steam pours from the crust like a volcano. Their mouths are both watering, and while Sheby demurely wipes her face with a napkin, Toni lets some sit dribble out onto her napkin. She’s being gross on purpose, and while Shelby has a sensitive stomach and hates crass humor Toni always has the ability to get her laughing until her ribs ache.

They talk about nothing. How it’s only been a month but Shelby already hates her science teacher, Mr. Donaldson, and how Toni is determined to not foul more than three times this year.

(That’s right, Toni is playing basketball. Her dream since she was a little kid, since even before she met Shelby. Toni went for it and made her dream come true. She credits Shelby with motivating her. Shelby says Toni’s drive and perseverance is one of the things she admires most about Toni.)

The night could stretch on forever like a piece of stringy, warm pizza cheese stretching between two slices. Both girls would be happy with that. But Shelby’s curfew is 11:30, so at 11 they leave the restaurant. The night is warm with an occasional breeze rustling the leaves. Shelby reverses out of the parking lot while Toni hooks up her phone to Shelby’s car’s Bluetooth and plays their shared “best friends” playlist. 

It’s mostly Taylor Swift and they both know all the words to most of her songs, though they’ve never mentioned this.

They roll down their windows. Toni rests her arm so her hand is flying in the Texas air, doing air choreography to all the songs. Shelby whips her head around so her long blonde hair catches the wind like a rock star. 

Toni gets out of the car at her house, but she lingers, leaning against Shelby’s side of the car, as the final refrain of the song plays. Shelby turns the sound system off after that, but Toni doesn’t leave.

Toni takes a shaky breath. She scuffs her foot against the curb and then words spill out like a physical barrier has been lifted, she says, “Shelb, I like…” at the same time that Shelby prompts, “I’ll see you tomorrow?” though she doesn’t mind that Toni is still with her.

The question seems to break Toni out of a trance because she looks different. She gives Shelby a sleepy smile. “Yeah, right. Sorry, I’m just tired.”

Shelby feels a little weird driving away from Toni now. For a split second she really looked tortured, like she had something on her mind she hadn’t told Shelby. But now she looks fine. She waves and starts up the driveway, soon disappearing into the darkness.

Toni curses herself when she’s sitting on her twin bed, knees drawn up to her chest. Stupid. Idiot! she chastises herself. She’s broken the one unspoken rule she and her best friend have- no relationship talk. Oh, there’s the usual. Jack is so cute and Do you think Brandon likes me? and I dare you to tell me your crush. But neither of them has ever been in a relationship and they like it that way, they’ve made that perfectly clear. And now Toni goes and does this- stupid fucking idiot! she screams at herself- and made it seem like there’s someone she’s interested in, made it seem like her friendship with Shelby isn’t enough. 

Toni isn’t fully sure why she’s so upset, since nothing happened and she held her tongue after a momentary lapse in judgement. But she is, and it’s a long night, jerking awake suddenly to let her brain yell at her some more half a dozen times before orange sunrise creeps into her room.

Shelby dreams about Toni that night, not a rare occurrence, although most of her dreams are anxiety dreams where she and Toni have to give a presentation they haven’t prepared for, or insane dreams where she and Toni have become dolls in a toy factory and need to escape.

Tonight’s dream is different. It’s softer and warmer, as though the edges of Shelby’s mind have been dipped in perfume and lit by candlelight. 

In it, Shelby sits on a balcony, looking over a city. In a way it’s like any city, with twinkling lights even in the dead of night, car alarms and people shouting. But this isn’t Austin, which has been in her peripheral vision since her internship, or anything like it. It’s bigger and more beautiful and Shelby wants to be there immediately, even though her dream-self already is. She surveys the city, then clambers into the apartment attached to the balcony. She walks across the floor and the dream is so vivid she can almost feel the cool tile underfoot. “Shelby?” a sleepy voice says, and she turns to see Toni, lit by a rosy glow. She’s wearing an old baggy sleep shirt filled with holes that skims her thighs, and she’s rubbing her eyes. “Did I wake you?” Shelby whispers. Toni shakes her head. The scene changes, now Shelby is laying in bed, restless. She rolls over and sees Toni, sleeping in a little ball just like the real Toni. Shelby reaches for Toni and pulls her into her arms. 

Shelby feels sleep slipping away as night inches towards morning but she fights to stay asleep, to stay in the perfect world her brain has created where she can somehow get out of this town and keep Toni and finally put a name on that thing she’s felt all summer but can’t explain, like their relationship is now missing a tiny piece.

***

Saturday dawns, with a crisp blue sky and chirping birds. Toni is in better spirits as she walks to get coffee for herself and Shelby. Based on Shelby’s good morning text, it seems no damage was done last night. 

Toni orders two iced coffees and doctors them on her own since no barista ever gets it fully right. Shelby wants cream, not stirred, and exactly one and a half packets of sugar. Toni takes it with enough sugar to sedate an elephant but not even a drop of milk.

She sips her own drink and pops in her earbuds to listen to her favorite of Shelby’s playlists as she walks towards the Goodkind’s house. She leaves it on the stoop and rings the bell, like always, and then texts Shelby. i left ur drink outside. exactly 1,980,005 granules of sugar as u like it. lmk when ur leaving so we can get there at the same time.

Shelby writes back lolll instantly, and Toni can just picture her, walking circles in her room with a toothbrush sticking out of her mouth, hair pulled into a messy loop on top of her head, waiting until she can make it downstairs without seeing her parents. She’s probably smiling softly as she reads Toni’s messages. One of Toni’s favorite things about Shelby is how she can always make Toni feel loved. thanks ur the best and yea i’ll probably leave at 9:30. fashionably late, Shelby writes.

At home, Toni procrastinates doing her homework. After her fifth break in two hours she’s getting desperate for motivation. She imagines failing all her classes and being kicked off the basketball team, but that just stresses her out. She imagines her foster parents getting mad at her, but they’re so uninvolved that the idea is almost funny. The only thing that gets her to stop drinking juice straight from the carton, getting back to work, and then getting up five minutes later is Shelby, holding up a report card filled with all A’s, going off to college while Toni fails all alone. She imagines Shelby’s disapproving frown, which is saved for extreme cases. It works. Toni knocks out five assignments in an hour and texts Shelby the good news: that frown is magical. i’m homework free and ready to partayyyy!

you’re so corny, Shelby says, followed by the applause emoji.

Toni takes ten minutes to get ready. She puts on a red tank top and basketball shorts, and pulls her hair into a ponytail. The walk to Braydon’s takes her twenty minutes and she drags it out, sliding her feet along the sidewalk, stopping to smell the flowers in people’s gardens (and pick a small bouquet for Shelby) and checking her phone for alerts frequently. She is not about to show up to a party without Shelby at her side. Face the hordes of classmates she’s never really bonded with by herself and while they’re all drunk? Big fucking pass.

But finally she gets there. Shelby is standing, waiting for her, illuminated by the light streaming onto the lawn from Braydon’s floor-to-ceiling windows. They stroll up the lawn together, bumping shoulders, giggling about Toni’s homework success, trying to figure out if they actually want to drink tonight. 

Toni presents Shelby with the bouquet and Shelby’s hands fly to her mouth. They hug, and then Shelby artfully weaves the flowers into her and Toni’s hair.

They enter the party, which has taken over the whole house and backyard. A couple girls have decorated the chandelier with scarves and guys are now debating if they could swing on the scarves like Tarzan without breaking it. Braydon is making drinks at the speed of light at his parent’s well-stocked bar. Kendall Luther is making out with her boyfriend, her leg hooked around him and him running his hands through her hair, and Shelby and Toni both say “ew” in unison when they see them.

It’s the first party of the year and Sheby’s dad is out of town at a retreat for church employees, so they navigate through the living room and get drinks. Braydon is so drunk already that he misses the glass and spills rum onto the carpet, but eventually he successfully makes two rum-and-Cokes. 

They sip their drinks and look around at the scenes of teen comradery. “Look, this is not my scene but we should probably try not to act like we’re better than everyone,” Shelby murmurs in Toni’s ear. 

“Even though we are,” Toni murmurs back, and they both snort with laughter.

Still, they both know Shelby is right. So when a girl whose name neither can remember runs into the room wearing only jean shorts and a bra and asks Toni to come prove a point about basketball to some friends outside, Toni shrugs and lets herself be led away. And when Braydon slurs her name and asks her to make the rounds and make sure no one is hooking up in his parent’s room, Shelby agrees, and doesn’t even look around for Toni.

By the time midnight rolls around, Shelby is not feeling the epic spirit of high school. Instead, she’s slumped against the bathtub, wishing she was at home. In normal people terms, she isn’t even drunk. But even a few sips have made her emotional and she’s wishing she never came to a party only to wind up all alone.

She rests her drink on the lip of the tub. It trembles, unsteady, and then tips over, soaking Shelby’s shirt with liquor, and she groans, and feels for a moment like she might cry. Then there’s a knock at the door. “Shelby, open up, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” 

It’s Toni’s voice. Shely almost leaps to her feet and unlocks the door, and Toni hurries inside and locks it behind her again.

“How was basketball?” Shelby asks.

“Fine. What the hell happened?” Toni points a shaky finger at Shelby’s top, already stained. Shelby gestures to the tub and mimes the cup spilling and Toni starts laughing like it’s hysterical. She rocks back and forth, holding her sides. 

“Why did I even come?” Shelby sighs as Toni sits down on the cold tile floor, facing her.

“Because we don’t want to be social rejects?” Toni suggests.

Shelby shakes her head.”I don’t care about that. I don’t want to be like all the other losers in this town getting drunk and swinging on chandeliers. I’ll care about social stuff in college. Plus, I have you.”

She’s expecting Toni to laugh and mock shove her, maybe blush a little. Instead, her face goes pale and she starts chewing on her lip.

“What?” Shelby asks softly. Toni shakes her head frantically. Shelby lets the silence drag on for a little while but finally continues, “Toni, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.”

“I love you Shelby,” Toni says, her voice strangled. 

“I-I love you too, but why do you look so…”

Toni kisses her, shutting her up in a second. 

Toni doesn’t kiss Shelby to enjoy it. She does it because she can’t think of any other way to explain that she’s put a name to this weird new feeling in their relationship and it’s one she has no idea if Shelby will reciprocate. She barely even has time to savor the incredible softness of Shelby’s lips and the taste of raspberry lip balm and the thought- just a tiny sliver of a thought!- that it seems like Shelby is kissing her back. 

Shelby knows the instant Toni kisses her what her dream means. And what this unexplainable thing that’s been happening between them is.

And it terrifies her. She’s sitting in suburban Texas kissing a girl, with only a flimsy mcmansion door between them and the world. Still, it’s like a dam has broken and she can put a name to these feelings. She kisses Toni back and it dulls the ache, her lips spark where Toni’s lips meet hers, and she holds onto Toni’s thigh and the fabric of her top for dear life.

When the kiss is broken, they can hear each other’s frantically beating hearts. “That’s what I tried to say last night, Shelby. I-I love you and I like you and I can’t take hiding anything from you so I have to tell you, but..” She leans her forehead against Shelby’s forehead, and suddenly they’re both crying and their tears are mixing and somewhere in the crying there is more kissing but these are panicked, needy kisses, because neither knows what the hell they should be doing in this moment. 

Shelby hasn’t seen Toni cry since she learned about Toni’s phobia of roller coasters three years ago. But she sees her cry now, as Toni lays on Shelby’s lap and weeps until her jeans are soaked with tears. Shelby strokes her hair until Toni is cried out, and then Shelby helps her sit up and whispers, “How long?”

Toni lowers her head, and Shelby cups her chin with her hand and wipes Toni’s tears with her thumb as delicately as she can.

“I don’t know.” Toni cries. She buries her head in her hands. “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know,” she says over and over.

“I don’t either.” Shelby admits. Then she bursts into tears.

They hug and cry until their bodies become one, they are entangled and their bond feels as unbreakable as it ever was, except everything is different now.

Toni is the first one to say it. The look on her face right after is terror, and Shelby remembers every foster family who has ever kicked her out, every teacher who has ever called her too angry or too much, every person who has ever left her. She cannot leave Toni. Still, she has to be honest. So when Toni asks, “Can we still be friends?” Shelby responds, “I don’t know that I can go back to just friends.”

They don’t know how to move forward. They lie on their backs side by side, gazing at the ceiling. There are no stars, no constellations to wish upon, just ugly stucco that holds no answers. 

Somewhere in the mess that the night has become, there is a pounding on the door from some guy who needs to use the bathroom. There are startled gasps from Shelby and Toni, and then they’re wiping their tears, their lips, cleaning each other up. 

They make it outside and down to the street in science. Shelby opens her mouth but no words come out and they hurry away from each other, towards home in opposite directions.

The next day is a special kind of hell. 

They do not speak. They haven’t done that ever. They make it until lunch on Monday without talking, each trapped in their own miserable worlds. They run into each other outside the cafeteria, where Toni grabs Shelby’s arm and leads her outside, across the track, down a hill, and onto one of the school’s hiking trails. At the end is the old covered bridge that hasn’t been used in years. Kids come to smoke or hook up, but it’s empty now. 

They’ve walked at least a mile. No one from school is anywhere near them and they both realize what that means, yet each fears the other doesn’t understand.

Toni breaks the silence. “I love you!” she screams. The domed ceiling of the bridge and the echo take her words and hurls them back. Toni’s chest is heaving after she finishes, but she looks relieved. Her braid is coming undone and wisps of hair fall in front of her face and her face is red like she’s angry and she’s never looked so beautiful.

Shelby screams right back. “I love you!” and she means it in a very different way than usual.

“Shelby!” Toni shouts. 

“Toni!” 

They’re screaming at each other because what else can they say that’s real?

“I shouldn’t have told you!” Toni bellows suddenly. “You’re the only person in my life I haven’t driven away, who cared about me even a little and now I’ve fucking ruined things.” She believes it to be true. She’s always lived life by trying to blend in and not make waves because her anger and her emotions put people off, and now here, the biggest wave she’s ever made.

“Why would you have ruined things?” Shelby begs for clarity, because Toni seems to think last night made things worse when Shelby feels like things finally make sense.

“Because I ruin everything.” Toni snaps.

“I’m serious. Be specific, please be fucking specific! Or do you want me to do it?” Shelby is advancing on Toni, who looks afraid to be near her, and it breaks Shelby’s heart. “You know, I had a dream that we were living together. We were...happy. And you know what else? We were dating! Fucking dating. You didn’t ruin everything, you made it so much better! Why won’t you see that, why won’t you fucking see that I love you just like you love me and there’s nothing wrong with that!” 

She’s yelling at Toni, but the lecture is meant for herself. Shelby thinks that she’s loved Toni for a long time, but never let herself feel it. That’s what conclusion she came to last night, around 2:30, when she realized she wouldn’t sleep a wink. 

“That’s not fucking possible!” Toni hurls the words at her like they are grenades, each one meant for impact. “I love you so much, no one could ever feel this way about me.”

“But I do!”

They’re done yelling. It’s taken everything out of them. They’re sweaty and panting and Shelby is thinking that Toni looks so pretty and all she wants is to kiss her again and Toni is thinking that Shelby, textbook people please, is lying to make her feel better.

“Where do we go from here?” Toni asks softly.

***

They steal moments. They order their morning coffee like usual, and Shelby pulls Toni into the alley next to the shop and kisses her good morning as they leave. They go on a picnic to the covered bridge for Shelby’s birthday, and Toni gifts her a box of Sharpies and they write their names in a heart like every movie ever and they both cry about it later that night because it’s just so damn perfect. Shelby volunteers every time her mother needs someone to run an errand and she always brings Toni, just so they have an excuse to blast their best friends playlist and scream the lyrics to songs that will always remind them of each other. They savor every moment they have with each other because they’re living on borrowed time, as they remember the day college acceptance letters start arriving in the mail.

They get into local schools dotted all across Texas and as far away as Georgia. But then, on a Tuesday several months after they both gave up hope, the big one arrives. An envelope, stuffed full of welcome messages and information, addressed from New York City. A full scholarship for Toni. A difficult but possible conversation with Shelby’s parents. And now they have a choice. 

They meet at the covered bridge. They bring blankets and fleece jackets and watch the stars appear, and when Toni sees a shooting star she kisses Shelby’s cheek and whispers, “Make a wish.” 

“We can be us in New York.” 

“But what is us?” Toni asks sadly.

“I guess that’s what we can figure out.”

They make their choice. They drive to New York together and check into their dorm, where they’re randomly assigned rooms across the hall from each other. And they live.

They go to clubs and museums, they read each other interesting passages from random books in the library. One day, Shelby says quietly to Toni, “I’m gay,” And Toni, who has long since come into her own identity, hugs her and kisses her nose and they collapse in each other’s arms on the floor of Toni’s room, deleriously happy. 

Sometimes, laying in her bed at night and looking up at the glow-in-the-dark stars she bought for nostalgia’s sake at a pharmacy down the street, Shelby looks back. Texas feels small compared to her now. And who could have known that her dream would wind up being more of a prophecy? Her and Toni, who have loved each other in more ways than one since they were eight years old, in love and happy.

Toni thinks about how Shelby saw everything ugly and volatile about her that day on the bridge and still loves her. She thinks about how one day she and Shelby might not have what they do now, and she beats that thought back wildly until it’s gone. She thinks about what luck the universe gave them by giving them to each other, and maybe it’s Shelby rubbing off on her but she says a prayer of thanks.

**Author's Note:**

> this ripped my fucking heart out to write but I like it and I hope you do too. it's inspired by a tweet by @shalifoefc so thank you so much for the inspiration and follow her and me, @fullmoonyelena. also the title is from ribs by lorde, proving my theory that every fanfic can be catagorized under one or more lyrics from that song. Thanks for reading!


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